I can't believe I am writing on this board, but here goes..... HI,
I am a 22 year old girl and am desperately unhappy and would like someone to give me some advice..if thats ok?
I am worried, no that's the wrong word. I am sure I must have some sort of ED. I have always thought myself to be a bit on the plump side even though my friends and family tell me I'm not. About 8 years ago when I was about 16, I started to cut down what I was eating and joined every single after school sports club there was. I began losing weight and felt happier about myself. Then eventually people started noticing what I was doing so I had to start eating more to get them off my back. So I started making myself sick and doing more excercise to stop myself putting the weight back on from the food I was having to eat more of. Next,
I started taking laxatives taking 20-30 a day at my lowest point. At the some point around this time I was diagnosed with depression and started seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist. I didn't tell her anything about my eating habits, but once I got about 3 months into the therapy, I could see what I was doing was wrong. I started to feel better about myself and began eating normally, stopped taking the laxatives and I was so proud of myself for dong it on my own! I thought I was cured....unfortunately, my laxative abuse had made me develop Irritable Bowel syndrome, which I am now on medication for.
Unfortunately, a year later, things started going bad again. The last 6 years have been a bit up and down. I had a miscarraige when I turnt 17 and since then everything feels like it has gone downhill. I have been put on and off of anti depressants 4 times in as many years and noticed my problems were coming back with my eating habits about 3 and half years ago. Now I feel completely out of control. I hate my body so much all I see is this hideous fat ugly girl in the mirror and feel like i will be alone forever....how could anyone possibly ever want me the way i am..mentally and physically?
I feel like i'm now trapped in this thing. All I think about every day is being thin as I know I will be much happier then. I find myself alternating between starving myself and stuffing myself, which then leads to making myself sick and starving myself again. I weight myself every morning and then again as soon as I get home from work and then one last time before going to bed. I do this everyday as a ritual, stepping on the scales 3 times at each of the 3 daily ''weigh-ins' just to make sure I have taken the correct measurement each time..to double check the scales haven't gone up. If they have, I am devestated and it affects my mood for the whole day and keeps me awake at night.
About 3 months ago I found myself at an all time low and started using Ipecac syrup, which isn't avaliable in the UK so I had to have it shipped from the US. I have also started using laxatives again.
The long and short of this is that I now find myself being stuck at the weight I am (10 stone 7) so all of this has been some pointless journey to become thin when I still am not. worse still, I stupidly know I am making my Irritible Bowel Syndrome worse by my renewed used of laxatives. God knows what else I have done to myself, but stupid though I know it is...I CANNOT STOP. And I don't know why.I think maybe because it is like a comfort having a secret that no one else knows about but me....until now.
But this cannot go on and I am frightened, but I also too ashamed to talk to anyone, and partly, I am not ready
Is this ''thing'' Bulimia? Is there anyone who can tell me how I can get myself better?