I messaged 5 friends yesterday, trying to keep my mind off how depressed and shitty I felt, some replied, but soon the texts fizzled out, as I guess people were doing other things.
So I spent 10 hours alone, feeling shitty, watching films, hating myself.
I cant stop feeling nervous & paranoid and anxious. I'm severely restricting today, so thats making me feel a bit better... but not alot. I still feel shit, and I just want to be able to talk someone who knows how I feel.
I even phoned my mother as a last resort. We chatted for a little bit then hung up. I can never tell her whats really wrong.
I just want to be able to speak to someone and be able to say "I feel like shit" and have them understand. That this makes me wanna starve, and just hide away from the world. That I feel hopeless, that nothing makes me happy. I feel like I am trapped. My only comfort is music, and restricting/calorie-counting. So that I can rejoice a little the next morning when the number on the scale is down.
Its really hard to live with someone [my flatmate] who has no idea about this side of me. She doesnt know about the depression, the eating issues. I dont want to go to work today. Some days I just dont have the energy to put on my happy face, its just too hard. I wish someone would understand that.
I feel like the only people who could understand that is you guys, on these forums.
I considered phoning the Eating Disorder helpline yesterday. but I didnt see what good it would do.
Ever feel so alone, even amongst loads of people? I always feel like this. I live in a big city, and most of the time I feel like the only one in it. I wish someone would look at me, and just understand & ask me truly "How do you feel?" not the everyday "Hi how are you?" that everyone says, and I always answer "Fine, yeah" with a smile. No-one wants to hear "Oh I'm feeling shit, depressed, suicidal.. you?" I wish somebody could just pick up on my anguish, and make it better.
I feel like I'm constantly crying out for help, by doing what I do, to my body. But no one notices, and this makes me angry. And I just feel so angry and frustrated.
Still waiting to hear from my ED counsellor. Dont know when he/she is going to contact me. Still on the waiting list.